Special Powers You Get When They Dilate Your Eyes At The Optometrist

1. Gigantic pupils allow you to suck light and vitamin C from asshhole co-worker’s soul.
2. Increased brightness makes you conduct staff meetings in manner of Ronald Reagan.
3. Disposable plastic sunglasses strike fear in hearts of crooks who are high and recently saw old “RoboCop”.
4. Inability to read any size type frees you from world of “knowledge”.
5. Cats, sensing giant-pupil kinship, respectfully barf along path to bathroom.
6. You use cries for help from nearby victims of crime to echo-locate your keys.
7. Archeologists induct you into “Pudgier Indiana Jones Hall of Fame” for your carbon-dating breakthroughs on waiting-room ‘People magazine.’